Book 1: Chapter 2
Umm,
can we just skip that this year?” Everybody looked at me just as expected. I have been worried about this for days. I know that I am not in the right mindset to thank God God and I are not exactly on speaking terms these days. I knew that I had to explain, but where should I begin? “I’m just not feeling very thankful right now I am truly sorry if this offends anybody.“I rang my napkin in my hands as if I were trying to twist someone’s neck. I was so nervous about what they would think.
“Aubrey, you should be thankful that you are still alive and here with us on this great day to enjoy this dinner that the two of you have so thoughtfully prepared for us.” Diane had that look in her eyes that I was so beginning to hate
“Really, Diane, is that how you see it? I should be thankful to a God who gave me a child to carry in my belly for nine months only to tear that child away from me? I find that to be a very cruel God and I am sorry, but I will not be thankful to him” By look on her face, I think that I shocked her. The silence was unbearable. Somebody say something
“Let’s eat.” Carter gave me an anxious smile and began passing the food around. We proceeded to eat and engage in pleasant conversation. There was no further talk of God or religion. The food tasted excellent and the wine was going down oh so smoothly. The red Pinot Noir was the key to making the day tolerable
“The food is delicious Aubrey; you have outdone yourself yet again”
“Thank you, Kat. I did not make as much as I usually do, but it seems to be more than enough. If there are leftovers, you are welcome to take them home. I do not need any of this stuff around the house. It certainly will not help me get rid of this muffin top.” Unlike me, Katie had no problems losing her weight and was back into her pre–pregnancy clothes. I have a word for people like that, but my mother would not approve of me calling my sister such a colorful name. Momma would just call her blessed with a fast metabolism, We will go with that
“Oh Baby, you look great. I love your curves
“Curves are good, Carter, rolls are bad. And right now, I definitely have rolls. In fact, I think I am carrying around a baker’s dozen” That seemed to have lightened the mood a little as everybody chuckled
“So, let me tell you guys a funny story about my comedian son Katie says with a smirk on her face. “We have this long standing joke within our family. When anybody asks me where something is, and they always ask me, I tell them if it was up your butt, you’d know A little crude i know, but we missed that etiquette class that we signed up for. We tend to be a little uncouth. Anyway, one evening I put little David in the shower. I set out his shampoo, his soap and a washcloth just as I have always done and walked out of the bathroom. About five minutes later, he was hollering for me to come back in there. So, I get up and walk into the bathroom to see what he needs.
Mom, where’s my washcloth? This just aggravates me because I know I set it out for him.
David, how many times do I have to tell you? If it was up your butt you’d know! And with great comedic timing, he ripped open the shower curtain and said, it is. And there he was standing buck naked with a washcloth hanging between both tiny little cheeks.”
The table erupted in laughter. It felt good to laugh. It had been a long time since I had. Although this was the funniest story I had heard in a long time, my smile faded quickly I felt great sorrow that I would not have any such stories to tell about my own son. Our God stole those stories from me. Immediately after the loss of Matthew, I heard so many things from people who thought they were helping. Such as, “Our God is a compassionate god who does everything for a reason. He must have a plan? What kind of plan could he have for me that would involve taking my child? Did he really think that I would be happy with this new plan? Compassionate? You do not show compassion by giving someone the gift of a child growing in their belly for nine months and then suddenly and unexpectedly take that child that they have felt move, which they have talked to, sang to and come to love with every fiber of their being
“Aubrey, are you still with us?”
“Yeah Sis, sorry. I spaced off a bit. I guess I am just a little tired. It has been a long day. Does anybody want some pumpkin pie?” I stood up, as everyone seemed to want some and walked to the kitchen. This would give me a minute to compose my thoughts. I had a tendency to go off on an Occasional rant every now and then I have been filled with such anger and keeping it under control has been quite a challenge.
Kat followed me into the kitchen. “Sis, are you okay?”
“Yep, I’m good,” I lied.
“Well, i think we have changed our minds on the ple. The roads are getting pretty bad, and we need to head home.
“Alright, at least take one of these pies with you. I really cannot have it around, I ate an entire one by myself last year because it was left over “Sure the kids would love that: Kat helped me wrap one up as well as some turkey leftovers and then headed for the door.
“Aubrey darling, we are going to head out too. It really is getting bad out.” Diane reached in for another hug. She had already bundled up in her black North Face coat, red hat and matching gloves. Her black Ugg boots finished off the ensemble nicely. She really was quite fashionable for an older woman. She did not mind spending good money to stay fashion forward and with Ken being a gynecologist, she usually had plenty of money at her disposal.
Book 1: Chapter 2
am
Again, I lied, but I could not tell them that I was ecstatic that they had
very glad you all could make it and I hate that you have to leave so early Again, I lied, but i could to leave. “Please call me when you make it home safely.”
With that, they all gathered their things and headed out. As I closed the door behind them, I grabbed myself a cup of hot chocolate and sat next to the fireplace in my favorite chair that faced the bay window. I felt the exhaustion set in as I slumped into the plush yellow Queen Anne chair. There was nothing better than curling up next to the fire and watching the snow fall. It brings back childhood memories of watching the snow with my Mom, We would sit on her bed and watch it through her sliding glass door that overlooked the lake.
One night we had watched for quite some time. The moon was full and the reflections off the snow made it so bright that it seemed as if it were daylight outside. Momma wanted to go for a walk, so we bundled up like snow bunnies and walked around the block several times. That is probably my favorite childhood memory. It was during those times that I felt closest to Momma. I miss her. Last year, she lost her triumphant battle to breast cancer. I had never seen anybody fight so hard. She was a warrior, I once told her during her treatment that she should have been a hockey player. Hockey players fight until there is just no fight left. Get a gash in your head, no problem. The trainer will stitch it up right there on the bench and you play for the rest of the game. She was one tough momma.
Not a day goes by that I do not wish I would have told her more how much she meant to me. Told her that I appreciated how she supported me no matter what my endeavor. She supported my decisions, right or wrong if I were leaning in the wrong direction in her opinion, she would give me a little nudge in the other direction. If I did not take her hint, she was still my number one supporter. I could really use her support now. I feel lost. She would know what to say to get me out of this funk. She always knew what to say.
