Book 1: Chapter 3
It was
Monday the first official work day after Thanksgiving. It was the day that I was expected to return to work at the clinic. Carter had been nagging me for weeks. He said that he has been so busy at work and that he needed his number one nurse back by his side, flattery was his number one tactic when he was trying to get me to do something. I understood that I was the only nurse who knew that place inside and out, but I just could not fathom returning to the clinic and consoling women who were preparing for an abortion I know that there are some situations where an abortion might be necessary. I just did not want to be the one holding their hands and telling them that it would all be okay when I knew that this decision would stay with them for the rest of their lives. I just could not do it anymore
After Carter was nearly ready, he came into our room to find me still in my night gown
“Baby, you need to hurry. It is almost time to leave”
“Carter, I can’t. I think you need to put a help wanted ad in the paper this week. I do not see me returning to the clinic anytime soon. I just can’t do it.” looked away from him so I did not see the disappointment in his eyes. “Damn it Aubrey, I need you” he snapped. It has been three months, why can’t you just get over it and come back to work?”
“Are you freaking kidding me?” My blood pressure just rose to the highest degree. “Sure, I will just get over the death of my child. It seemed easy enough for you. Did you even care? Did you even love him? He was our child and I cannot just get over it I turned my back on him. I couldn’t stand to look at him anymore. I did not want to see him I didn’t even want to be in the same room with him. He walked up behind me and put his arms around me. “Get off of me,” I spun out of his grasp and gave him a shove. “Just go, get out. I cannot even stand you right now.”
“Aubrey, please listen… Before he could finish I lashed out once more. I could not contain it anymore.
“Carter get out. Just leave me alone. Take your happy ass to work and do what you have to do. I will not do it anymore, I can’t” I was yelling louder than I had ever yelled. I could feel my heartbeat throbbing in my neck. My adrenaline was in overdrive. How in the world could my husband, the one who is supposed to support me no matter what, tell me to get over it? More importantly, how could he be over it so quickly?
Carter walked out of the room without saying another word. A few minutes later, I heard the front door close. I walked across the bedroom over to my roll top desk and sat down. I sat there thinking about my options for several minutes. Yep, this is what I need to do, I grabbed a piece of paper out of the drawer and picked up an ink pen. I began to write.
Carter,
I don’t know what to do. I do not know who I am anymore and I definitely don’t know who you are anymore. I cannot and will not go back to work at the clinic and I cant believe that you expect me to. You have no compassion towards me at all. You have been distant for a very long time. I feel as if you blame me for Matthew’s death. I did all that I could to give you a healthy son, it was beyond my control. I will not be made to feel that it was my fault. I need some time to figure things out. I am going to Angelique’s for a while. I do not want to hear from you. I will call you when I am ready.
Aubrey
With that, I packed some clothes and threw some make–up in my travel case. I figured I would only be gone a week or so. I just needed to get away Angelique was single and I knew she would welcome me with open arms, She had plenty of room and I would not be intruding like I would be if I went to my sister’s house. As much as I loved her, I did not think that I could handle being around baby Elizabeth for that long either.
I grabbed my things and headed down the hallway. As I passed the nursery, I opened the door. That door had been closed since th
the day I came home from the hospital, but I wanted to look in there once more. Everything was still set up as if we were expecting to bring home a child any day now. His name was in little blue bubble letters above the crib, the linens matched the color on the wall and his changing table was fully stocked. I worked so hard to make his room perfect and it was absolutely perfect. It was everything I had ever dreamed of for a nursery. I was going to have to deal with this eventually, I did not know if I should box it up, leave it or sell it. What is the protocol for something like this? I took one more look around and closed the door as I left. There will be time to worry about that later
I headed down the steps and stopped in Carter’s office. Generally his office was his private space and I did not dare enter, but I knew that he would finish up his paperwork when he got home and that would be the best place to set my letter to ensure that it got read. I placed it in the center of his desk. Glancing at his planner, I looked at the next few weeks to make sure he did not have any engagements that would require my presence. The last thing! wanted to do was go to a charity event and pretend to be the ever–happy doctor’s wife. There was a single entry, Rosa 7 pm. written on Friday. I would have to ask him about it to make sure I did not forget something that I was needed for. I made a mental note, closed the planner and headed for my car.
The drive to Angelique’s was only about 15 minutes, which was good because driving gives you too much time to think and right now, I did not want to think any more. I jumped into my black 2010 Dodge Charger threw my bags on the passenger seat and cranked up the radio to drown out any pesky thoughts that might try to creep up. Nope, no thinking was going to be done.
The drive went quickly and before I knew it, I
I was arriving at my best friend’s house. I was so ready to just relax and not have to pretend to be happy. I never had to pretend around Angelique. I could always be myself with her. I have known her practically my whole life. We met when I moved to her neighborhood the summer before third grade. She came to my door and asked if I could come out and play. We have been friends ever since.
the
1/2
We played Barbie’s until we were too old to play with them anymore. We learned how to put make–up on together. We smoked our first cigarette in woods behind her house. We took our first drink of alcohol in her kitchen, then promptly spit it out in the sink on top of some hamburger that her
Book 1: Chapter 3
mother had in there defrosting for dinner and then giggled like the little school girls that we were. We grew up together and she has always been there for me. There is nowhere else I would want to be right now
I headed for her door, but before I could reach it, she already had it open asking. “What are you doing here, Kiddo?” This is the one person in the world that I did not mind hugging I grabbed hold of her and did not let go. Without even realizing it, the tears started rolling down my face. I had hit my breaking point and I just let it go. “Come on, let’s go inside. It is cold out here.” She took my bags and led me into the living room to sit down. I gave in to everything I had been holding back for so long and I cried in my best friend’s arms for a good half an hour. She rubbed my back as I wept for the child I had lost and for the marriage I felt I was currently losing
face.
After I had composed myself a bit, I took the Kleenex that Angelique offered me and wiped my eyes. 1 left Carter.” I could see the surprise on her
“Oh honey, I am sorry. What happened?”
“He wants me to go back to the clinic and I can’t. I just cannot do it. Before I lost Matthew, I did not have a stance on abortion. It had never really affected my life. I viewed it as just a medical procedure, but now it is different. It hurts too bad to see those women use it as a form of birth control.”
“Not all of the women that come in your clinic are using it as a form of birth control.”
“You are right. Not all of them, but a lot are. Some are there because of medical reasons or because they were raped and just cannot bear carrying that child. I understand those cases.”
“Aubrey, what would you like to see done? If you had the power, how would you change things?”
“I don’t know Ang; I really don’t have an answer. My suggestion might be to have a committee who decides when one is needed and when you are just using it as birth control. Example, my girlfriend had a breast reduction done, but in order for the insurance to cover it, she had to have letters from two different doctors stating that it was for her back and not cosmetic.
It took weeks for her to get it approved. Why is it harder to get a breast reduction than an abortion?”
“I’m not sure. It shouldn’t be. I never thought of it that way.”
“Another question I have is this. When Morn died of cancer, she was in excruciating pain. Why is it that people can abort a living child, but for people like my mom who know the end of their life is here and are in pain, cannot chose to end it on their own terms? I am not so sure I disagree with what Dr. Kevorkian stood for. I do not think that anyone can truly understand until they have had a loved one go through it.”
Angelique looked at me while she thought that one over and then replied, “Well, some people would view that as suicide and therefore immoral.” “True, but some people consider abortion murder and therefore immoral. So really, what is the difference? If we allow one, should we not allow both? I don’t know what the answer is, how to make change or if it will ever change. What I do know is that I cannot be a part of it anymore”
understand how you feel,” she said as she grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze. “I am going to make some tea, do you want a cup?”
“Oh Ang, that would be great. Maybe it will calm my nerves. I am done with all of this serious talk for now, can we just watch a movie and let ourselves get lost in it?
So that is exactly what we did. We popped popcorn, grabbed some blankets and lounged out and watched a couple movies. We laughed, we cried and we talked for hours. It reminded me of the many sleepovers we had when we were young. Before we knew it, it was time for bed.
Angelique walked me to the guest room and ensured that I had all the blankets that I would need then wished me goodnight. I changed into my pajamas and pulled back the floral comforter and climbed into bed. I remembered why I liked staying over here so much. That bed was the mast comfortable guest bed I had ever slept in. She always buys 1500 thread count Egyptian sheets that feel like silk on my skin and the mattress just cradles the body. It is like my own little paradise.
I was alone with my own thoughts for the first time since I had left Carter. I was left to think about what my plans would be. I had no clue what to do. I did know that I would have to look for a job. As a nurse, I could probably find work pretty quickly, but I am not sure that I want to be in the medical field. Maybe it was the right time to make a career change. I will have to pick up a newspaper tomorrow and start searching through the help wanted ads
i snuggled down into the warm bed and began to do my relaxation breathing that I was taught in therapy. I am pretty sure I fell asleep before I got to breath number two.
