Book 1: Chapter 1
This used
used to be my favorite time of year, the time from Halloween to New Year’s Day. It was a time with friends, loved ones, and party after lively party. It was a time of cheer, laughter and reflecting on the past year, your accomplishments and your setbacks.
Now, I dread the holidays. I am aware of the pity people feel for me and I hate it. My family t treats me as if I am a porcelain doll ready to break at any moment when all I want is for them to treat me like the old Aubrey I want them to treat me as if I had never lost a child, as if I had never even been
pregnant
In years past, we had a house full of people on Thanksgiving, but this year I wanted to keep it to a minimum. I wanted to bail on it all together, but my husband, Carter, was not having it, “Come on Baby, people have been celebrating Thanksgiving here for years. They expect us to host it. Where will they go? To be honest, I did not care where they would go. I did not want to put on the façade that I was happy. It took too much energy, it was draining Therefore, we compromised to have just my sister’s family and his parents over for dinner
I needed to quit dwelling on what the day would bring and just get dressed and head downstairs. No amount of wishing things were different was going to change anything. People would start arriving at the house in a matter of minutes and I still needed to pick out something to wear, throw on some make–up and prepare for the pity party that I was sure would come. I put on my favorite jeans which were still a tight fit, I had not quite lost all of the baby weight yet. I pulled a bulky brown sweater over my head which hid the muffin top that the snug jeans created. I looked forward to when I no longer had to lie down on the bed and suck everything in to get the jeans to zip. I imagined that after this huge feast, I would be escaping upstairs to put on something with some give, perhaps an elastic waist
I glanced into the mirror to see if I was presentable. Well, this will just have to do because I can hear people at the door now. I guess I am going without make–up today. I slipped on my shoes and hurried down the stairs just in time to see Carter welcoming in his mom and dad. I took a deep
breath Showtime
“Aubrey, you look great,” Carter grabbed my hand as I reached the final step.
“Thank you, Babe Hi guys. It’s great to see you both. Lam glad you were able to make it in this snow. How are the roads?”
is getting a little slick, but it sure is beautiful to look at Ken said as he reached in to give me a hug. I have never been much of a hugger. I do not know why that is. It just makes me uneasy. As soon as Ken was done, Diane reached for me. Ugh.
“Aubrey, how are you honey? You look a little tired” She squeezed me so tight I thought I would pass out Apparently, I should have put on some make-up after all to hide the circles under my eyes. “I am fine, Diane. I have just had a hard time sleeping. It will get better I’m sure.”
“Are you taking the sleeping pills they prescribed?” There it was; the pity in her eyes, those big blue eyes that remind me so much of her sons. They both have eyes that models would die for. They were a beautiful sapphire blue with lashes that seemed to go on forever. Is it too late to tell them I don’t feel well and send them all packing 7
am fine Diane, really” Just then, the doorbell rang. “I get it”
As I opened the door, I saw the comforting face of my sister, snowflakes glistening in her long brown hair. “Katie, how are you?” I reached in to give my sister a hug and she looked at me with suspicion in her eyes. She knew better than anyone about my lack of desire for hugs. Thanks Kat. You just saved me from the Spanish inquisition, I am so tired of everyone asking me how I am,” I whispered in her ear.
“I guess I won’t ask you then.” She released me and then ushered in her two older children, Brooke who is eight and little David who is six, and her husband carrying the baby “Dave, they are growing like weeds. I just saw them last week and they look as if they have grown since then”
“They grow too fast that’s for sure.” Dave gave me a peck on the cheek and placed Elizabeth in Katie’s arms. He headed off toward the kitchen to find
Carter and presumably a cold beer.
Katie and I were pregnant at the same time. She was due a few weeks before me. It was nice to have someone going through the same things at the same time, especially someone who had done this twice before. I could not have asked for anyone better than my older sister to help me through my first pregnancy It is just a shame that our experiences ended so differently. Hers ended with her holding the most precious baby girl ever in her arms. Mine, ended with me holding an equally precious, yet lifeless son in my arms.
“Katie, she gets prettier every time I see her. I touched the baby’s head. She felt so soft. I reached in to kiss her little forehead and touch her thick tuft of soft black hair. There is nothing better than the smell of a baby
“She looks like Momma, you know? I reached for her knowing that i did not need to ask permission to hold her. It is an aunt’s right after all.
“Yep, I see it more every day I think it is her eyes. She has perfectly almond shaped eyes just like Momma’s. Let’s go sit shall we? I led her into the living room where the men had already escaped in order to see the kickoff of the football game. I then headed for the kitchen to check on the turkey and trimmings. My belly was letting me know that i had not been adequately feeding it lately. I had not had much of an appetite or even the strength to fix a meal. Thank goodness Carter had agreed to help me today.
I opened the oven door and the smell of Thanksgiving hit me in the face. “Carter, I think the turkey is done. Can you come get it out of the oven for me?” Before I knew it, he was by my side. That was a change must be because we had company. Since I left the hospital, he had not been around much. When he was around, he was very standoffish, which was unlike Carter. Up until my eighth month of pregnancy, he was a very touchy, feely person. Now, I
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Book 1 Chapter 1
am lucky if I get a peck on the cheek occasionally
He spent most of his time at work, which was hard for me to understand. How could you go back to work at an abortion clinic after losing a child? We did everything we knew how to do in order to have a healthy baby and for no known reason, he was stillborn, I could not understand how he can now go and perform abortions without thinking of our son every time. We have spent many hours fighting over this, but he makes a valid point that he spent many years to become a doctor and build his own clinic and he cannot just throw it all away because we lost a child
“This looks delicious, Baby.” He heaved the 25–pound turkey up to the countertop and began to carve it. “Are we ready to get everybody to the table?”
“Yes, I will go tell everyone. Will you bring the turkey to the table after you are done carving it? There is a platter sitting on the counter for you“! walked to the living room to round everybody up. “Hey guys, dinner is ready Who’s hungry? Everybody, without a moment’s hesitation, bolted for the table. They must be as hungry as 1.
“Aubrey, the table looks beautiful,” Katie said as she reached the dining room. I am glad she complimented me. I had spent quite a while trying to make things look nice. I put the chocolate–colored linen on the table. I ran a row of fall leaves down the center with a string of clear Christmas lights which made everything sparkle. I had a few candles placed down the center as well that gave off a gentle glow. I was proud at the way it had turned out
“Thank you, Kat. Please, everybody have a seat. Just as I said that, Carter walked in with a giant platter full of freshly carved turkey. The aroma was fabulous and made my senses go into overdrive as my mouth began to moisten. Carter took his place at the head of the table
“Shall I say the blessing?”
